Bismillaah

I was browsing, looking for new blogs on people’s links and I came across brother NaseehaMan’s blog. His blog, comics, posts are all still online but he isn’t: he is gone. It just suddenly ‘hit’ me that he is dead but at the same time I feel confused. I feel the exact same way when I think of my husband’s step father. I know he is gone but it’s weird. Did it really happen? Is Zuhayr still online because his posts are still there? Maybe he is too busy or is a bit sick again to update? Is Bill still there because his truck is still there?  Maybe he is on another fishing trip?

Why do our minds do this to us? Sometimes I wake up and I remember all of the deaths that have taken place of people I know, people I don’t know and I feel like a stranger in my own body. Sometimes as I sit down and have a conversation with someone, I wonder if I really am there. I may close my eyes for a few seconds, and the minute that I open them, I feel as if I am dreaming and watching my dream as it takes place. Suddenly, I’ll snap out of it and I realize that I’m really there.

I remember asking my husband a few weeks after the death of his step father, did he really die? He looked at me with a strange look and I realized what I had just asked. I sat down on the edge of the bed and wondered why I felt as if it was all so unreal, even though it didn’t take much to remember that I knew very well that he passed because I saw him with my own eyes.

It isn’t that I’m questioning Allaah’s Decree at all but I simply forget that it took place. It’s a feeling that I don’t really like.