Bismillaah

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُواقُوا أَنفُسَكُمْ وَأَهْلِيكُمْ نَارًا وَقُودُهَا النَّاسُ وَالْحِجَارَةُ

“O you who believe! Ward off from yourselves and your families a fire whose fuel is men and stones…”

I can be angry, stressed out, wanting to shun everyone out of my world but it only takes a moment of my son’s purity to make me smile. I watch and listen to him as he goes about his day and I can’t help but contemplate on this innocence he holds. It is an innocence that many children lose when they grow but an innocence that can be retained with proper guidance and the Mercy of Allaah.

When I first got pregnant with my son, I knew what responsibilities would come with a child but I still hadn’t fully realized it. Was it possible to realize it without having experienced it? I don’t believe so. I tried preparing for it as much as I could but with many things I’ve had to go through the ups and the downs to learn what is good and what is bad for my son. I’ve learned to become aware of the good and the bad through my religion which has taught me just that but sometimes finding the proper way of cultivating the good within a child is difficult. It is even more challenging due to our own ignorance and shortcomings, the areas where we may live and so on.

How do you instill within a child something that he sees other Muslims failing at? How do you tell a child to respect the Masjid when the ‘big people’ can’t even respect a Masjid? As parents we are the example for our children no matter what but they tend to look elsewhere too. If you teach them that Muslims are this or that, they expect the Muslims to be exactly that. It’s hard when you have to face the ‘real world’ and explain to your precious that not everyone does it. And it is true that as parents we also fail in front of our children and it is just as hard to explain to them why we have failed. Their minds to me are like the mind I had when I first accepted Islaam, that of a fresh new baby. I expected such great love for Islaam and Muslims (a warm welcome from everyone) etc. but when confronted with the reality, I was deeply crushed. So how does one do it? In a time where Muslims are being looked down upon, when many converts find themselves keeping ties with their families who may not be so pleased with Islaam and may sometimes try to pull small remarks, how do we explain to our children the beauty of being Muslim when they see the lack of appreciation with their own eyes and hear attacks with their own ears? Our children are not dumb but they just need our guidance.

My son asks me so many questions throughout the day and I am very open with him. I realize that there are many things he can’t understand yet but at the same time I realize that he isn’t stupid. I remember that one of the first topics that he started inquiring about was regarding cartoons. He would take it to heart and I just couldn’t deal with him living in a fantasy world. As a child, I was raised believing santa was real and that los reyes magos were real. I made sure that my letters were out on time. I cried when I didn’t get what I wanted. I believed there was a such thing as a princess and a prince and I grew up believing that one day I could have that for myself. It was actually the only thing that gave me hope amongst all of the problems my parents had. I recall the moment where I found out that santa wasn’t true and that los reyes weren’t really going to leave toys by my shoes. I was crushed. Obviously, I wasn’t Muslim but you know I have seen the common little Muslim kid brainwashed with the same rubbish. [Part of which I will mention in upcoming posts, bi'ithnillaah]

So what did I feel when my son started getting into cartoons and believing they were real? Well, I actually didn’t start the topic. He asked me one day, ‘Are monsters real?’ I, without hesitation, said ‘No.’ Since then, my son has understood that there is a difference between real and fake. I don’t know the extent of his understanding but I know that he knows that they aren’t real. We have even gone into the whole ‘How are cartoons made?’ and the boy is only 3 years old. Believe it or not, people actually wonder why I do this. Sometimes I get praises (as they hear him speak and start asking me what I taught him) and there have been times where I was told that I need to let him have his imagination as well. But where do we draw the line? Do we break it to them one day, out of the blue? Do we wait until they hit puberty, until they figure it out themselves or from strangers?

It is our duty as parents to allow our children to be children but children are going to be adults one day as well. That is the cycle of life. I allow my son to play, have his fun and I don’t say anything but when he comes to me and requests an answer, I should be responsible enough to provide it. That is part of the responsibility that comes with being a mama or a baba. It’s astonishing to see how many adolescents still live in a fairy-tale story. I don’t blame them. They were raised like that. They don’t want to grow up because they were raised to be children for a longer amount of time, even if they have hit puberty.

As I watch my son play and say the darndest things, I cry sometimes. I cry because I realize that he is a huge package for me and that everything I say and everything I do will be analyzed by him. Sometimes he faces a situation where he recalls that mama said such a thing is not right or that as Muslims we don’t do it, and if I am present the first thing he does is look at me and wait for my response or a simple reaction that will hint to him what he should think or do. Again, he is 3 years old but I am sure many parents have noticed this. Some may not get to experience it, especially if their children aren’t used to being taken care of by the parents themselves or if they just don’t have good communication. I call it the look of guidance because that is what they are seeking.

Haven’t we noticed that when a child is off playing, he may often look back to mama or baba and then quickly turn around? It is because knowing that their parents are there gives them that security they need. If the parents are not present, they will feel out of place and may stop playing until they find their parents. This is just part of them knowing who they are in this wheel of life. But do we as parents truly understand who we are in this wheel?

We are those who will either make or break our kids. We are the ones preparing them for the cruel world out there and without our guidance our children may give into things that they shouldn’t. Of course, no one is perfect but we try our best. If we expect our children to pray, they need to know that we too pray. If we expect our children to be truthful, we need to be truthful as well. If we want our daughters to love covering from the minute they reach puberty, they need to be taught the beauty of being believing servants and what it takes to be such. We should guide them by being their main example and constantly encouraging them towards good.

We can’t sit on the fence and expect for them to just learn on their own. This is contrary to human nature. We are all in need of guidance and that is why Allaah always sent Prophets and Messengers to mankind. Without this guidance, we surely would be lost. So if our children ask us questions, we shouldn’t be afraid to answer. Yes, wisdom should be used but if the truth is the truth, don’t be afraid to share it with them - atleast in the issues that will affect them from that moment on. They are so innocent and if we don’t guide them in the proper direction, others may start filling our shoes and as I mentioned above, they may be learning the reality of things from strangers. Is that who they should be learning the truth from? What if these strangers only misguide our chidren? Surely, we will be accountable in front of Allaah for it.

Also, a question arises. What if someone is not capable of teaching their children because of their own lack of knowledge? The answer is quite simple. We look for guidance as well. We also shouldn’t be afraid to show our children that we may not know and remind them that we fail as human beings as well (as long as we instill in them the importance of trying and repentance). That may actually instill with them the characteristic that many of us have been trying so hard to attain; humility.

May Allaah make our children and us from amongst those who remember Allaah, thank Allaah and do good deeds, aameen