It is way too easy, especially in the modern world, for those who intend to ‘correct’ others to end up damaging their own hearts in the meantime, because the action of doing so leaves one very vulnerable to increasing arrogance. We have been told through hadith, “One will not enter Paradise, if one has an atom’s weight of arrogance in his/her heart.” In a hadith qudsi, Allah states, “Dignity is my lower garment, and arrogance is my covering. If anyone competes with Me in either of these two, surely I torture him.” He also says in surat Luqman, (Verse 18), what can be translated as, “And do not turn your face away from men with arrogance…”

It is good to enjoin others to act with piety when we truly know that our enjoining would help that person. However, all too often, it is done in a way that pushes the person further from the deen. I have repeatedly seen brothers and sisters comment upon other sisters’ hijab with a self-righteous, arrogant air (they think they’re hiding the arrogance, but they’re not), claiming all the while they’re only ‘helping’ the sisters. They would be helping if they increased LOVE for ALLAH SWT in their hearts, but instead they are spreading resentment. I pray that Muslims will learn that /telling/ people how they should act is not the same as /helping/ them come to realizations that help them strengthen their deen. Helping another grow in iman is a very subtle, delicate matter, and those who do not really know what they are doing should stay out of it rather than risk pushing the other away while introducing arrogance into their own hearts.

It is interesting to read the ayat and ahadith regarding hijab, and realize that the early Muslimas covered themselves readily simply by hearing the verses. What is interesting is to fully realize that they did NOT cover because other people in the community hounded them into doing it. This lets us know that to help others achieve the highest practice, we need to work on the faith, not the action. If we say, ‘you should do this, or you’re bad,’ after they already know the injunction, then they’re likely to either pull away or do it for the wrong reason — for other people, instead of for Allah, which is a lesser form of shirk. If they already aren’t doing something they know they should be doing, then /telling/ them to do it is not going to solve the root problem.

It’s strange to see how ready Muslims are to correct complete strangers. This is very different than trying to help out a good friend. We all need to consider that every person has an entire lifetime full of of positive and negative events that we don’t know about. These events influence every decision. Maybe a Muslima isn’t behaving like a living saint because she’s working very hard to overcome a psychological trauma, and is doing very well to still have a seed of faith in her heart. Is it right to step in and focus on her clothing, when what really needs to be focused upon are her trust and vulnerability? Maybe a man has struggled with his iman for years, alhumdulillah eventually going from not praying at all to praying a couple times a day. Is it right for anyone else to step in, not knowing anything about him, and start telling about how he should be praying every single prayer on time right away or he’s a bad Muslim?

So many of our brothers and sisters are in horrible marriages, beat on by spouses and parents, sexually and emotionally abused, confused about where they fit in the world, even suffering from post traumatic stress disorders, yet strangers find it acceptable to critique how they’re wearing their pants, or how their arm sleeves are 3″ too short.

Human beings are complex creatures. This is why ‘commanding the good,’ in the way so many do nowadays, is often more harmful than helpful. I think that if someone asks about their behavior, give them an honest answer. If you see one person hurting another, step in to help the oppressed. However, if you see someone you don’t know all too well doing something you think should be done differently, have humility and befriend the person, or at least command the good simply by making yourself a good role model. Take the time to suspend your own judgment in order to fully assess your motivations and the other person’s needs.

Finally, focusing too much on other people’s actions IS a form of extremism. We have been told, “Beware of extremism in religion, since those before you were only destroyed by extremism.” (Sunan Nasa’i, Musnad Ahmad and others) Why spend our time noticing other people’s flaws when we should be focusing on Allah swt? If our minds were truly in a constant state of dhikr, our minds and eyes would be so occupied that we wouldn’t notice half the things we notice now.

JazakhAllah khair

Just surfing through sister. I am a Canadian Muslim writer. Come by insha’Allah if you have some time to read.

Ma’as salaama,

nuh ibn

MashaAllah, what timing. I too have had to deal with this sort of thing alot lately. It is a sad thing to be accused of being “holier than thou” or “arrogant” when you ask a brother or sister to reflect on how they have offended or hurt you.

Of course, when it comes to giving advice, I think there are some “rules” that we sometimes forget about. Like timing, and doing so privately if possible, and not trying to speak when we are angry and may become defensive or aggressive emotionally because they react poorly, and even whether or not it is most urgent to correct or may be something that they are just following a different ruling than the one we know.

I like how you remind us that it is not us correcting because we think we have our act totally together, but just because we are trying to share what we do know. Unfortunately, too often it does turn into a “which of us is worse” battle because when you try to sincerely let them know about something, they suddenly decide to tell you everything that is wrong with yourself!

At the same time, I think it is good to take what they say and reflect on it, because there may be some good in it. Just because they aren’t presenting it nicely doesn’t mean it isn’t true. And it may be a fault that they have been trying to avoid advising you on, but your advise to them causes them in anger to spout out what has been bothering them about you all along! So sometimes, we should just realize they are upset and not take their response personal, but it also never hurts to do some introspection to determine if their counter argument does have any merit.

Sorry to say so much, it’s just that this has been an issue recently for me and I haven’t been able to say anything about it.

It’s easier when one goes out in a jamaat because people are there for betterment. The environment is for encouragement and counsel. So I suppose it’s expected that sisters will try to be reminders for each other. When I worked at the Madrasah, I was around some of the same sisters all of the time. I got to see the teenage sisters and older sisters on a daily basis and because of that, the environment allowed for getting close before giving of any naseeha but there are just certain times where you have to think and act quick and those I do believe are the hardest of all.

Sometimes we encounter people that we don’t know and may never see again but where we know that advising them must be done. For example, you see a sister walk into the Masjid and she is about to make Salah in front of you without a khimaar. What do you do then if you’ve never met her before? Do you allow her to pray even though her Salah isn’t going to be valid? Do you stop out of fear for her reaction? Do you give an ‘intro’ before you tell her that she needs to cover her hair? I mean such situations are hard. Sometimes you can try so hard to be kind and still it may turn out into a bad scenario where they reject anything you have to say, but atleast one did their part and conveyed it. One can then only hope and make du`aa’ that at the moment they weren’t receptive but that maybe later on they will turn around.

I really do believe the person giving the counsel should have the proper strength to counter the reactions that could occur because of the advice they give. One should be the example of what they want to achieve and yes it is very difficult but it must be done. If they want that person to accept their naseeha, they need to humble themselves to a higher extent as that will bring about 3 effects: protect the giver of counsel from arrogance, show the receiver that they truly care and cause them to really think and not ignore the point. Otherwise, yeah we can be the cause of their turning away and continuing in their mistake (and that is harder on the heart of the one giving that counsel if they are sincere I do believe). May Allaah forgive us if we’ve been the cause of such, aameen

In Surah ‘aal-`imran, ayah 159 Allaah states (translation of the meaning), “So, it is through mercy from Allaah that you are gentle to them. Had you been rough and hard-hearted, they would have dispersed from around you. So, pardon them and seek forgiveness for them. And consult them in the matter, and once you have taken a decision place your trust in Allaah. Surely, Allaah loves those who place their trust in Him.”

Reading the tafseer put a lot of things into perspective for me about the etiquette of da`wah and so I will type of the tafseer from Ma`arif al-Qur’aan insha’Allaah in a new entry to give it its proper attention.

It’s hard not to feel out of place when doing amr bil ma`ruf because those who utter the don’t judge me tend to make others feel that they need to be perfect. May Allaah guide all of us

Husn adh-dhann ( حسن الظن) is having good ideas/thoughts/suspicions.

‏عَنْ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ ‏ ‏صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ ‏ ‏قَالَ ‏‏ حُسْنُ الظَّنِّ مِنْ حُسْنِ الْعِبَادَةِ

“From Rasulullah (SallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) who said, “To have good thoughts (or suspicions) is from well-conducted worship (or from good/sound worship).”

[Reported by Abu Daawood]

editor: beautiful quote :)

i know for myself when i’m giving dawah or encouraging another sister in islam if i see some faults i always tell them that “when you give dawah, you give dawah to yourself first to keep your intentions pure, so do know that i have faults just as you and we all do, and all that i can do is encourage you (the sister) to better yourself, when in actuality i’m really encouraging myself to be better” i don’t actually say it like that word for word but i think u get what i’m trying to say inshallah. i think (allahu alim) thats a good way to avoid the issue of one appearing to be judgemental when they really aren’t coming off that way at all.

also i use personal experiences that i struggled with if i see another sister struggling with it also, and usually the sister can relate. mashallah thats one of the things that i enjoy about going out in jamaat because you meet so many sisters who are struggling in their deen and they come to visit the jamaat to help improve their deen while the jamaat is there also to help improve their deen so everyone there has the same thing on their mind ” how can I better myself in order to please Allah”

although it can be different online because one is not face to face so things often get misunderstood, which usually leads to arguements, which usually leads to one assuming that the one trying to correct has a “holier than thou” attitude, in cases like that i just say hey Allah knows my intentions and my heart and Allah will let the person know my intentions (when i was trying to correct them or explain something to them) on the day of qiyaamah and that is sufficent for me alhamdulillah

sorry for going on and on, on your comment section :P

just some food for thought inshallah

This powerful quote from Imam al-Ghazali demonstrates the loss of one who refuses advice:
“Someone who draws your attention to an unpleasant habit, or a negative feature of your character, so that you can cleanse yourself of it is like one who warns you of a snake or a scorpion under your robe - he has shown concern lest you perish… If you disapprove of that, how great is your folly!”

If it works both ways, then we, in our role as advisers, should just as well accept “don’t judge me” as an advice in itself to improve ourselves, regardless of its nature and sincerity (employ husn al-dhann here too?). Unpleasant maybe, disheartening perhaps, but corrections are sometimes, as you pointed out, a cycle like that.

I personally believe it’s upon us to not only counter such claims of “don’t judge me” but to actually prevent them from being uttered in the first place. Your post here goes a long way in reminding us as recipients of advice. But more importantly, it’s how we convey any advice that will help evoke a more positive reaction from the intended individual. A simple change from “Akhi, *you* should not do this.” to “Akhi, *this action* is wrong.” might free the brother from feeling particularly judged upon.

It’s kinda like how the adab of knowledge precedes knowledge itself. Again, as you’ve correctly mentioned, the fact that we’re not perfect in adhering to the manners of naseeha shouldn’t deter us from giving it anyway. But this reverts to my point of how then, upon such a realisation, we should take in stride and develop from the criticism of appearing “judgemental”.

I’m sorry if I’m focusing on one aspect when your post clearly addresses so much more. But I simply love the topic of “the medium is the message” without necessarily agreeing with the widely known yet often misunderstood statement. Heh, the irony.

Masha’Allah, great post! Oddly enough, this is something I’ve been thinking about recently… on “enjoining good and forbidding evil” (in the correct manner) even though I feel uncomfortable because I know that *I* sure am not perfect…

Masha’Allah, I think your example about a sister not wearing hijaabs was wonderful - advise and encourage!

BTW, could you please tell me what “Husn adh-Dhann” means? I’ve read the phrase a couple times, but don’t know what it means…

Your little sister in Islam,
Mouse